The Holmes Family Newsletter

Holmes Family Newsletter Vol 1 No 1

The Holmes Family Newsletter Vol. 1, No. 1, Since 1989

May 25, 1989

[Editor's Note: This may be the only issue, so pay attention!] Announcements

Well, the big news, of course, is Steve and Denise's engagement. The wedding is set for the weekend before Thanksgiving, I think, so be sure and make plans accordingly.

Lost & Found

Yes, Doug is s... read more

Holmes Family Newsletter Vol 1 No 2

The Holmes Family newsletter June 23, 1989 - Vol. 1, No. 2 - Since 1989

[Editor's Note: This may be the last issue.] NEWS

Jeannie's dog, Chance, finally had her puppies. Ten of twelve survived, eight of which are female. And they're on sale this week! Jeannie was quoted as saying "Our prices are so low, it's INSANE!&q... read more

Holmes Family Newsletter Vol 1 No 3

The Holmes Family Newsletter Vol. 1 No. 3, July, 1989

[Editor's Note: Due to profanity, nudity, and the mature theme of this issue, parental discretion is advised.]

Mike made the Cal State Stanislaus Dean's List for the '88-&#... read more

Holmes Family Newsletter Vol 1 No 4

The Holmes Family Newsletter Vol. 1, No. 4, August 1, 1989

Largest Tri-Weekly Newsletter Circulation in the West!
[tri-weekly (tri-week'lee) 1. we TRY to get it out weekly)

[Editor's Note: This will probably be the last issue. See article below.]

The Newsletter's religious advisor, Oral Hershiser, ... read more

Holmes Family Newsletter Vol 1 No 5

The Holmes Family Newsletter Vol. 1, No. 5, September 5, 1989 Jeannie breaks elbow

Placed on Disabled List

Lathrop - While attempting a "sling-shot" maneuver during a roller derby match last month with teammates Tiffany and Thomas, Jeannie went over the railing and broke her elbow. Jeannie stated, "You should see the other guy!"
Tiff... read more

Holmes Family Newsletter Vol 1 No 6

The Holmes Family Newsletter Vol. 1, No. 6a, September 17, 1989

Everyone seems to be on a diet these days. Lucy and Jeannie are trying a low carbohydrate/high protein diet. Don's trying good old reliable starvation. Eleanor is on the NutriSystem plan. Bill is on a junk food diet. And Steve, of course, is always on a diet due to his lifelong weight problem... read more

Holmes Family Newsletter Vol 1 No 7

The Holmes Family Newsletter Vol. 1, No. 7, October 5, 1989

[Let's face it, these things are going to just keep coming.] Steve arrested Steve received his first-ever speeding ticket recently. Of course, this is the first car he's ever had that could exceed the speed limit.
Jeannie, on the other hand, has never had a ticket in her life! We asked Jeannie ... read more

Holmes Family Newsletter Vol 1 No 8

The Holmes Family Newsletter Vol. 1, No. 8, October 23, 1989 earthquake!

Where were you when it hit?

Don was just leaving his office on the 15th floor in downtown San Francisco when the whole building started to shake. "I survived," said Don. "But it definitely wasn't fun. It was the scariest 15 seconds in my life." Dia... read more

Holmes Family Newsletter Vol 1 No 9

The Holmes Family Newsletter A Newsletter With A Mission In Life!
Vol. 1, No. 9
Worldwide Circulation
November 21, 1989
The Environmental Issue Only 34 days 'til Christmas

And where will this year's celebration be? Well, Lucy has offered to sacrifice her house for the cause. But, if you want to host A Holmes Family Christmas at your house, ... read more

Holmes Family Newsletter Vol 1 No 10

The Holmes Family Newsletter Vol. 1, No. 10 - Worldwide Circulation - December 6, 1989 Newsletter sold!

The Holmes Family Newsletter was involved in a hostile takeover. A group of Japanese investors have taken control of the Newsletter by means of a leveraged buy-out. Luckily, they're letting Bill keep his job as editor. However, they insist ... read more

Holmes Family Newsletter Vol 2 No 1

HARD COPY Vol. 2, No. 1
"Hard-Hitting Journalism"
January 3, 1990
[formerly known as The Holmes Family Newsletter] Predictions for 1990 Elvis Presley will still be dead. Vice-President Quayle will be kicked out of office and reassigned as Ambassador to Libya. Los Angeles will secede from the Union and nobody will care. ... read more

Holmes Family Newsletter Vol 2 No 2

Bullseye Vol. 2, No. 2, January 26, 1990

[formerly known as Hard Copy; before that, The Holmes Family Newsletter] Denise expecting!

Taking her cue from Lucy's dog, Coyote, Denise is also expecting puppies, er, that is, a child sometime mid to late September. Congratulations, Denise (and Steve)! Steve to undergo surgery

Steve is se... read more

Holmes Family Newsletter Vol 2 No 3

Billy Club

Vol. 2, No. 3, February 8, 1990
[aka Bullseye, Hard Copy, The Holmes Family Newsletter]

A newsletter for the 90s and beyond!

Diane now a doctor

Call her "Dr. Holmes" now. Diane Holmes, D.C., to be exact. She passed her exams last month and is now officially a chiropractor! Diane stated,"It wasn... read more

Holmes Family Newsletter Vol 2 No 4

Billy Club

News That Hits You Over The Head

Vol. 2, No. 4, February 26, 1990

Coyote has puppies!

Lucy's dog, Coyote, had four "little shepherdy things" on Friday, the 23rd. Yeah, only four. "But they're big puppies," says Lucy. This is the third litter for Lucy's Nightshadow Kennels. And, pursuant to AKC Rule 60609, the... read more

Holmes Family Newsletter Vol 2 No 5

Big News & Other Stuff

Vol. 2, No. 5
[Yeah, another new name.]
March 19, 1990 Mike to return early

Mike has had a change of plans and expects to return from Germany at the end of March, assuming his mom can afford the return airfare. Otherwise, Mike runs the risk of being stuck in Germany and getting drafted into the German Army! Or maybe being forced to r... read more

Holmes Family Newsletter Vol 2 No 6

the NEWS Vol. 2, No. 6, April 16, 1990

[Back in spite of popular demand.] WORLD NEWS Mike is back from Germany and looking very European. (Fancy haircut, pale complexion, but otherwise healthy.) He's having trouble getting used to speaking English again. But then, he always did have trouble with that.
Greg visited Sacramento last week to report that Ju... read more

Holmes Family Newsletter Vol 2 No 7

the NEWS Vol. 2, No. 7, May 1, 1990

[Editor's Note: We would like to apologize for that last issue, but we won't. We'd like to say it'll never happen again, but hey...] Mike gets job

Mike has taken a job as a process server for a Modesto private investigation firm. He had job offers coming in from everywhere, of course, but Mike chose to be a ... read more

Holmes Family Newsletter Vol 2 No 8

The Holmes Family Newsletter Vol. 2, No. 8
"Anniversary Issue"
May 25, 1990

[Editor's Note: This is the big one! The big enchilada. The killer tomato. It's the anniversary issue! (Aren't you excited?) It was one year ago today that a young man with a dream founded "The Holmes Family Newsletter," only to be arrested and declar... read more

Holmes Family Newsletter Vol 2 No 9

WORLD NEWS

"Award-Winning Journalism"

Vol. 2, No. 9, June 14, 1990 Dad kills rattler!

Special to the News

Back from a week in the wilds of Arizona, Dad and Eleanor told of battles with man-eating coyotes and vicious attack-rattlesnakes which Dad wrestled barehanded to save countless maidens in distress from fates worse than death.
Baloney ... read more

Holmes Family Newsletter Vol 2 No 10

Things You Need To Know Vol. 2, No. 10, July 16, 1990 "Pioneer Portuguese" now available

World famous Portuguese historian Lionel Holmes's latest work is now available at a store near you. Don't be surprised if they're sold out. Sales have been brisk. Quick, ... read more

Holmes Family Newsletter Vol 2 No 11

the NEWSLETTER Vol. 2, No. 11, August 13, 1990 Doug makes pilgrimage

Doug, aka "Sluggo", made a pilgrimage to the Mormon church's genealogical library in Salt Lake City over a week ago and hasn't been seen since! Several theories have been put forward in an effort to explain his missingness, but we think . . .
[Update: He's just called t... read more

Holmes Family Newsletter Vol 2 No 12

The Newsletter Vol. 2 No. 12, September 17, 1990

"Your Only News Source" It's a girl!!

We asked Denise if she could hurry up and have the baby because we wanted to put out this issue. And, sure enough, she had the baby two weeks early! Wasn't that nice? The bouncing baby girl, Kristen, was born sometime after midnight, September 9, and Denise an... read more

Holmes Family Newsletter Vol 2 No 13

Hometown NewsVol. 2, No. 13, October 20, 1990
[Editor's Note: This is most definitely the last issue.]

Bill graduates!

After seven months, Bill has finally completed his computer programming course! The school, MTI Business College (a school Bill recommends, though not for computer programming) had a graduation c... read more

Holmes Family Newsletter Vol 2 No 14

The Daily Gargoyle Vol. 2, No. 14, November 16, 1990
"Just when you thought it was safe to open the mailbox!"

[Editor's note: For those of you who actually believed, or hoped, that there wouldn't be any more newsletters, well, all we can say is... sorry! These things won't stop until somebody blows up our office... which could hap... read more

Holmes Family Newsletter Vol 2 No 15

NEWS, ETC. Vol. 2, No. 15, December 18, 1990

"Christmas Issue" Lucy to Host Christmas

Lucy will be having Christmas at her house this year. It's a potluck affair. Only those with food will be allowed in. Says Lucy, "It'll be very informal. No dinner table. If you have someplace else to go, feel free."
Well, she sounds exci... read more

Holmes Family Newsletter Vol 3 No 1

news from La-La Land

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

Vol. 3, No. 1, January 4, 1991

The editor of this newsletter was apparently murdered "some time over the weekend" according to police. We think it was our editor, anyway. Nobody's actually ever seen him, so we couldn't identify the body.

This editio... read more

Holmes Family Newsletter Vol 3 No 2

the NEWSLETTER Vol. 3, No. 2
February 10, 1991 It's a girl... and a boy and a girl and a boy...

Chance, a dog, has given birth to seven little dogs. Three boys and four girls! Hasn't she ever heard of birth control?
The puppies' names (though Jeannie will never admit it) are: Delta Dawg, Delta King, Delta Queen, Desert Shield, Desert Storm,... read more

Holmes Family Newsletter Vol 3 No 3

and now... THE NEWS Vol. 3, No. 3 (yes, only "No. 3")

April 26, 1991 Doug returns from Hungary

On March 21, Doug left Sacramento for Budapest (pronounced "booda-pesht"), Hungary. Taking advantage of a tickets-for-mugs trade with American Airlines (no kidding!), he flew from Sacramento to Chicago and then to Munich, where he caught a train ... read more

Holmes Family Newsletter Vol 3 No 4

the Evening Star Post-Tribune Dispatch

(we couldn't decide on a name)

On Mother's Day, John, Jeannie, Don and Diane (collectively known as "Hell On Wheels") rode their motorcycles to Yosemite. "We had a great time," Jeannie, the club spokesperson, said afterward. On their retur... read more

Holmes Family Newsletter Vol 3 No 5

NEWS Vol. 3, No. 5, July 6, 1991

Northern California's leading newsletter since 1989
(except for those few months when we were Southern California's leading newsletter) Record heat melts Sacto!
Molten steel and rubber cover city

The mercury has topped the century mark every single day of this past week in... read more

Holmes Family Newsletter Vol 3 No 6

The Leaky Faucet"Irritating, yet soothing. Obnoxious, yet hypnotic"

Vol. 3, No. 6, July 30, 1991Sapphire dispute settled out of court

Steve of Sacramento, CA, invested in a sapphire venture a few solar eclipses back. He was to be "guaranteed" 25% profit, with the possibility of 100% profit. Well, the deal went sour. Steve's partners lost mo... read more

Holmes Family Newsletter Vol 3 No 7

The Leaky Faucet Vol. 3, No. 7, October 14, 1991 Mike lands great job!

Michael has been named Executive Producer of Cal State Stanislaus' new bi-weekly cable television show. It will basically be a show focusing on happenings on campus, and Mike is in charge! We asked Mike how he got such a great job, and he said, "I don't know, really. They just calle... read more

Holmes Family Newsletter Vol 3 No 8

The Leaky Faucet Vol. 3, No. 8, December 10, 1991 Steve & Denise host Thanksgiving

Turkey was served and everybody ate it. What else is there to say? Okay, so it was an excellent meal thanks to the efforts of Denise and those who brought side dishes. And the dinner rolls were especially good.

Doug provided before-dinner entertainment with the obligatory photo sessi... read more

Holmes Family Newsletter Vol 4 No 1

The Leaky Faucet Vol. 4, No. 1, January 4, 1992

"Everything you've ever wanted to know about anything." Diane has surgery

On December 3, Diane of Hayward, CA had back surgery done on her back (always a good place to have back surgery). And, apparently, everything went well and she is now convalescing at home. Candy and flowers are now being accepted... read more

Holmes Family Newsletter Vol 4 No 2

The Leaky Faucet Vol. 4, No. 2, February 13, 1992
"The quintessential newsletter."
Warning: May not be suitable for the humor impaired. Elvis lives!

Yes, all your prayers have been answered! "The King" is alive and well! We know this for a fact because we saw it on a t.v. special hosted by Bill Bixby, "The Elvis Conspiracy."... read more

Holmes Family Newsletter Vol 4 No 3

The Leaky Faucet

Vol. 4, No. 3, March 18, 1992

"More of the same, basically."

With this nation in the throes of its quadrennial tradition of political rhetoric and b.s., one name has gone relatively unnoticed: Douglas Phillip [redacted]. Never heard of him? That will soon change. You see, Mr. [redacted] has been elected President of t... read more

Holmes Family Newsletter Vol 4 No 4

The Squeaky Sprocket
Vol. 4, No. 4, May 11, 1992
"The intelligent person's newsletter of choice." Riots in L.A., earthquakes in So. Cal and Eureka!

Is the world coming to an end? Probably. And did you notice that all these things happened at a time when this newsletter was conspicuously missing from your mailbox? Think about... read more

Holmes Family Newsletter Vol 4 No 5

The Broken Record Vol. 4, No. 5, June 25, 1992

"Predictable, irritating. Really, no redeeming qualities whatsoever."

L.A. riots: The aftermath

In the aftermath of the Los Angeles riots, religious and community leaders speak of healing, rebuilding, minority empowerment ...

Enough already!!! If I hear the words "aftermath," "healing," o... read more

Holmes Family Newsletter Vol 4 No 6

The Barking Dog
Vol. 4 No. 6, July 22, 1992
"Who names these newsletters, anyway?" earthquakes, earthquakes!

We're sick of earthquakes! Why doesn't the government do something!?

On June 28, 1992, Southern California suffered from twin earthquakes, measuring 7.5 and 6.6 on the Richter scale. And t... read more

Holmes Family Newsletter Vol 4 No 7

The Belching Frog Vol. 4, No. 7, September 16, 1992

"Thomas should like this name." Doug returns again

On August 26, Doug returned from Europe for the second time in as many months. Of course, his first thought upon returning to the U.S. was to arrange for a stopover in Los Angeles so he could visit with The Belching Frog staff and file his report. [See ... read more

Holmes Family Newsletter Vol 4 No 8

The Leaping Lizard Vol. 4, No. 8, October 20, 1992

EDITOR'S NOTE ...

After Grandma's recent birthday party (see article below), this newsletter was swamped with requests from people wanting to be added to our mailing list. (Someone had apparently smuggled in a copy of the latest issue.) Anyway, our phones have been ringing off the hook ever since. Seems eve... read more

Holmes Family Newsletter Vol 5 No 1

The Stupid Kangaroo Vol. 5, No. 1, February 1, 1993

Editor's Note: This newsletter welcomes the New Year (kicking and screaming, but that's to be expected) and we wish all our readers (and a few others) a happy, healthy New Year ("Boldog uj ev!" in Hungarian, but you probably knew that).

Did you notice the "Vol. 5, No. 1... read more

Holmes Family Newsletter Vol 5 No 2

The Sacred Cow

Vol. 5, No. 2, March 15, 1993

Well, almost. And it was 41 years ago. [Hey, nobody can accuse us of being accurate or current (or relevant, for that matter)!]

Anyway, as a big corporate executive for McGraw Hill Publishers in 1952, Dad was flown 1st class from New York to Rio de Janeiro to join the rest of his family who had ... read more

Holmes Family Newsletter Vol 5 No 3

A Face in the Crowd

Vol. 5, No. 3, May 25, 1993

Eleanor Gets License

After taking the DMV driving test every year since the age of 16, Eleanor has finally passed and been given her drivers license!

"It just goes to show that perseverance pays off," said Eleanor. Bill Moves

In keeping with his religious belief of moving once a year or so, Bill has done ... read more

Holmes Family Newsletter Vol 5 No 4

Not Just Another Newsletter

MONDAY, JULY 19, 1993

CIRCULATION: From 8 to 15 (depending on our mood and how many stamps we have)
Copyright 1993 / Bill Holmes Enterprises / 2 pages

That's right. Bill, this newsletter's editor, was arrested - twice! - last month and released on his own recognizance by the almighty California Highway... read more

Holmes Family Newsletter Vol 5 No 5

the rabblerouser

Vol. 5, No. 5, August 8, 1993

Bill moving to Nashville

Bill is moving to Nashville, Tennessee to pursue his boyhood dream of being a country singing star! Oh wait, that's Don's boyhood dream. Bill's just moving there for the hell of it.

"What did you expect?" says Bill.

To celebrate the fact that Bill is moving two thousand miles... read more

Holmes Family Newsletter Vol 5 No 6

Hoot and a HollerVol. 5, No. 6, September 28, 1993 - Nashville edition
Journalism at its finest! - Yearly subscription rate: $135 Brouns family buys property

LATHROP, CA - John, Jeannie, their kids, Tiffany and Thomas, John's sister and Tiffany and Thomas's aunt, Anna, and Anna and John's parents and Jeannie and John's ki... read more

Holmes Family Newsletter Vol 5 No 7

The Rotten Apple
"Journalism with visible holes"Vol. 5 No. 7, December 1, 1993 Mike Rolls Car!

LIVINGSTON, CA - Remember we told you about Mike's new car in the previous issue? Well, he "totalled" it a couple of days after we sent that issue out. We're pretty sure he did it just to make us look bad.

How it happened was, he ... read more

Holmes Family Newsletter Vol 5 No 8

The Happy Hairball

(something we keep coughing up)

Volume 5, Number 8 December 20, 1993
Publisher: This guy [to the left]-<<
Editor: Same guy
Distributor: Brave little delivery boys and girls worldwide
Address: Nashville, TN 37215 A Thanksgiving Feast

(an appropriate headline following the above title, eh?)

It was ... read more

Holmes Family Newsletter Vol 6 No 1

Itchy Trigger Finger
Vol. 6, No. 1, February 6, 1994Earthquake in Southern California!

We're sure you've heard all about it on the news, but we just wanted to mention it in case you've just recently emerged from a cave. It happened at 4:31 a.m. PST, January 17, 1994. Centered in the northern San Fernando Valley city of Northridge, 15 or 20 miles north of ... read more

Holmes Family Newsletter Vol 6 No 2

Falling Down a Manhole (can be quite painful and should be avoided)Vol. 6, No. 2, March 1, 1994 Michael moves!Michael has moved out of his mother, Lucy's, house. "It's the first time I've been able to afford it," he says. "Believe me, it would've happened sooner if it could have been helped.&... read more

Holmes Family Newsletter Vol 6 No 3

The Obtuse Moose Vol. 6, No. 3, April 21, 1994 Jeannie finds dog

Jeannie and John have a ranch in Tracy, California. To help pay the bills, they board a few horses. One of those horses, a fat old gray Arabian mare, had been particularly irritable recently. She would swish her tale in agitation whenever someone tried to saddle her, for i... read more

Holmes Family Newsletter Vol 6 No 4

Fish Stories Best when lightly buttered, with just a pinch of lemon.

Vol. 6 No. 4

June 28, 1994 Tiffany wins awards

Tiffany and her horse, Rocky, of Tracy, CA, competed in a local horse show a couple of months ago. [See how current this newsletter is?] The duo ended up winning a couple of blue ribbons and a few other ribbons. Anyway, congratulations Tiffany!

Th... read more

Holmes Family Newsletter Vol 6 No 5

Behind the Eight Ball Who is that behind the eight ball, anyway?

Vol. 6 No. 5, August 21, 1994 Jeannie Breaks Hand

Jeannie, a DMV employee in Tracy, CA, broke her hand after falling off her bicycle on the way to work... read more

Holmes Family Newsletter Vol 6 No 6

Coyote BreathVol. 6 No. 6, October 26, 1994 Don rides to Denver

In August, Don rode his motorcycle from Nashville to Denver. He wouldn't say why or what he did while in Denver. All we know is that he returned to Nashville a week... read more

Holmes Family Newsletter Vol 6 No 7

Yee-Haw The only newsletter we do!

Vol. 6, No. 7, December 29, 1994Belinda Has Puppies!

Another one of Lucy's dogs has gone and had a litter of pups. This time the mother is Belinda, a Rottweiler, and she gave birth to a litter of ten, nine of which were boys. This is Lucy's Nightshadow Kennels' seventh, or "G" litter.

Pursuant to c... read more

Holmes Family Newsletter Vol 7 No 1

The Wandering Eye Vol. 7 No. 1, March 19, 1995

[We're back! Sorry it took so long between issues, but the entire staff was frozen solid in a block of ice the past three months. We just now thawed out. You know how it is. We should have known better than to visit Antarctica in winter. We figured, hey, it's south, it must be warm. Oh well, live and learn.... read more

Holmes Family Newsletter Vol 8 No 1

Once in a Blue MoonVol. 8 No. 1, February 1997

A lot has happened since our last newsletter, so let's just jump right in with the "news"... Mike and Evelyn get married

Almost two years ago now (June 21, 1995, actually), Mike married his longti... read more