by Bill- 1989-09-17
Everyone seems to be on a diet these days. Lucy and Jeannie are trying a low carbohydrate/high protein diet. Don's trying good old reliable starvation. Eleanor is on the NutriSystem plan. Bill is on a junk food diet. And Steve, of course, is always on a diet due to his lifelong weight problem.
Therefore, the Newsletter is sponsoring a contest to see who can lose the most weight. (When we say "sponsor", we don't mean to imply there's any money involved.)
The winner of the contest will receive a free copy of the next Newsletter! The loser has to stay on their diet.
Bill got a job! A permanent job! Yes, someone actually hired him. It's a word processing job in a prestigious Sacramento law firm. "I expect to make partner soon," Bill said optimistically.
After mooching off Dad and Eleanor for the past couple weeks, Bill has finally moved into his own apartment. "He was eating us out of house and home!" Dad complained. "I'm glad to see him go! I thought we got rid of him ten years ago!"
"He's not even an A's fan!," added Eleanor.
Bill's new address is 16_ H Street, #__, Sacramento, CA 95___, just a couple blocks from where that Fuentes lady killed all those people and buried them in her backyard. "It's nice to know my neighbors and I share the same hobbies," Bill said.
If anyone out there has a copy of the original Holmes Family Newsletter (that would be Issue No. 1), you may have a collector's item! Bill doesn't have it on his computer. (Being the experienced word processor that he is, he accidentally erased it.) And no one else seems to have a copy. (I checked.) There's no telling how valuable it may be in years to come!
Mike is leaving for Germany this Thursday, the 21st! Lucy will be driving him down to Los Angeles to catch his flight. He's leaving from L.A. because it's cheaper. [Or something like that. You'll have to ask Mike to explain it.]
[This week we spoke with Eleanor, the most avid reader we could find, and asked her a few important literary questions.]
Newsletter: Well, have you read any good books lately?
Eleanor: No, not really.
Newsletter: Do you expect to be reading any good books in the near future?
Newsletter: Well, thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule to be with us today.
"I need to know your neck size, sleeve length, chest, waist, inseam, outseam, and shoe size. The sooner the better. Our new phone number is (916) xxx-xxxx. My school district is one of the lowest paying districts around and wants to keep it that way, so we've voted to strike [sometime] in October. Aftter two delays on my broken jaw medical malpractice lawsuit, I'll finally be giving the deposition October 2nd. My investment in sapphires has been giving me my monthly payment on the money they owe me, but the sapphires have yet to be sold. I started a [running] routine to get back in shape. I [invented] a new style of running that gets me to run on my toes more. Now I can run a lot more." — Steve, Sacramento