by Bill- 1998-08-09
Northern California's leading newsletter since 1989
(except for those few months when we were Southern California's leading newsletter)
The mercury has topped the century mark every single day of this past week in Sacramento (and several other central valley towns). And, just in time, Dad and Eleanor's air conditioner has broken down.
"It's not so bad," said Dad, stoically. "When I was a boy it would reach 120 degrees for months on end. If you stood in one spot for too long, you would melt."
Bill has canceled all plans of moving to Yuba City, citing irreconcilable differences with his partner. "Besides," Bill adds, "who in their right mind would ever move to Yuba City?"
Bill has since found an apartment in Sacramento. His new address and phone number are 2xxx Q Street, #9, Sacramento, CA 95xxx, (916) 4xxx-6xxx.
In the past few days, Doug has bought three bikes — two ten-speeds and one five-speed. The five speed just happens to be a Yamaha 400 motorcycle, which he bought from Don and Diane.
What's with all these bikes, you ask? "I don't know," Doug explains. "Those bicycles were available, so I bought them. Don offered his motorcycle, and I bought it. I can't control myself!"
Doug has also recently bought an Amiga computer. We suggest you take advantage of Doug's mood while it lasts and sell him everything you've been trying for years to get rid of.
It was "boys' night out" on Father's Day as Steve, Doug, and Bill took their father, Dad, out to dinner. "It was very nice," said Dad. "And that stripper that came to our table afterward was especially nice."
Remember in our last issue we said Lucy had finally gotten rid of all her puppies? Well, scratch that. It seems the dogs have returned. "There are dogs everywhere!" screamed Mike.
"They're boomerang dogs," Lucy explained. "From Australia, you see."
Actually, the people who had bought the dogs (two different buyers) decided they really didn't want them after all, for one reason or another. Jeannie was also a buyer, but she's keeping hers. If you're in the market for a couple of year old German Shepherd "puppies," give Lucy a call. "They're house-broken," said Lucy.
"There are dogs everywhere!" Mike screamed again.
John July 2
Andy "Big Boy" July 3
Steve A. July 4
America July 4
John's & Jeannie's Anniversary July 17
Lucy (before we forget) August 15
Did you know there is actually an Elvis Presley Impersonators International Association and an Elvis Presley Impersonators Hall of Fame? Well, now you do.
I was sitting there one day watching a baseball game on t.v., wondering how many foul balls were typically hit during a game, when it hit me: Whatever happened to that guy back East who had caught over a thousand foul balls in his lifetime? Remember him? Of course you do. I wonder how many foul balls he's up to by now?
Have you heard about that asteroid making its way toward Earth? It's true. It's on a collision course for Earth. Don't worry, these newsletters will keep coming. Besides, by the time the asteroid gets close, we'll probably (hopefully) have come up with a way of shooting it out of the sky with lasers or something. But, just in case, we're offering "Comprehensive Asteroid Collision Insurance." For a small fee of $100 per month for the rest of your life, we will issue you a CERTIFICATE that says you are fully covered in the event of an asteroid collision. Don't delay! Get your policies now! This offer is available for a limited time only. Void where prohibited.
"Have you found work yet?"
"Have you found a job yet?"
"Any word on jobs yet?"
"So, how's the job hunt going?"
— Dad to Bill every single day of the past two weeks
Lucy was in Fresno again recently. Will she never learn?
Barbara Thomas, Eleanor's daughter, is currently in the middle of an archaeological dig in Israel. We don't know when she left or when she's coming back. But it can't be much hotter there than it's been in Sacramento.
Steve, Denise and Kristen have returned from their East Coast trip. [see previous newsletter for details.]
Don and Diane made a weekend trip to Los Angeles, for some reason.
Mike was in Germany last year. He's back now.
Doug was in Hungary earlier this year. He's back, too.
John, Jeannie and kids are planning a trip to Disney World in Florida in September.
Greg, June and kids will be driving to Minnesota sometime this year. For all we know, they're there already.
Bill will be going on a pleasure cruise to Antarctica.
"I had heard Bill's tennis was improving, but I was surprised to see him winning the French Open. That was Bill wasn't it?" — John
[Yes, that was Bill winning the French Open last month. The media incorrectly identified him as "Jim Courier", whoever that is. This is typical of the media. And that's why this newsletter should be your only news source.]