by Bill- 1998-08-09
After Grandma's recent birthday party (see article below), this newsletter was swamped with requests from people wanting to be added to our mailing list. (Someone had apparently smuggled in a copy of the latest issue.) Anyway, our phones have been ringing off the hook ever since. Seems everyone liked the newsletter. They were probably reading the wrong newsletter, but so what, we added them to the mailing list anyway.
The entire Leaping Lizard staff welcomes all of our new readers! And feel free to contribute news items for inclusion in the newsletter. But please don't get upset if your story is not printed or, worse yet, is twisted and distorted (in the time-honored tradition of the news media) into something that you hardly recognize as what you had submitted.
Oh sure, your first submission will be given the "newsletter treatment" as mentioned above, and you'll probably become very upset. You may even call in death threats to the staff — feel free! It wouldn't be the first time — but, you'll eventually get used to this newsletter's casual disregard for the truth.
Thank you. And have a nice day.
Oh, and by the way, in case you're wondering how come this newsletter has a different name than the last one, don't worry. You'll get used to that, too. We do it for tax purposes.
Six huge "killer puppies" — four males, two females — appeared "out of nowhere" to wreak havoc on the once-sleepy town of Livingston, California.
"I haven't seen anything like it since Godzilla and Mothra!" said Mike. "There were strange crop formations in the back yard, too."
"Oh, come on," said Lucy. "They're just puppies. Now help me name them, would ya?"
This is Lucy's Nightshadow Kennels' fifth, or "E" litter. So, all the names must begin with the letter "E." Mike suggested "Eloise" and "Elvis." Lucy came up with "Eldon." And, here are a few names we would like to suggest: El Cid, El Dorado, El Bow, Eskimo Pie, Episcopalian, Evil Genius, Elevator Music, Electraglide, Ella Fitzgerald, East River Slimedog.
We sincerely hope these suggestions help Lucy in her effort to name this latest litter. It's the best we could do. There aren't a lot of names that start with "E."
Grandma's party took place at her brother Tony's place in Cameron Park on Sept. 25. It was her 95th birthday, and the guest list read like a who's who of the Holmes family: Tony Silveira and wife his Jean (they live there, so there was no getting around inviting them), Elmer (all the way from Hawaii), Hal & Del, Dolores ("Aunt Sis"), Lionel ("Dad") & Eleanor, Ollie, Lucy & Mike, Steve & Denise, Jeannie and Doug. Grandma was a no show.
Cameras were flashing all over the place and Steve and Doug, of course, brought their video cameras. Doug took the obligatory large group photo, photos of Grandma and all her four children together, and many individual photos. It's been five years since all her children were all together at once — a historic occasion! Grandma was so happy, she cried! We got this on video, too.
Her 100th birthday is scheduled to be at Doug's place.
In response to this year's L.A. riots and in anticipation of more, plus the inevitable devastating earthquake and its accompanying aftermath hysteria, Bill has recently purchased a handgun. It's an Astra 9mm Semi-Automatic (for those familiar with guns).
"I'm practicing my aim on small animals around the house," says Bill. "You'd be amazed how many small animals there are around the house, too."
Steve has finally gotten rid of his braces. Now he's got the ol' retainer in his mouth. Says Steve, "I'd forgotten what my teeth looked like."
Uncle Elmer was one of the lucky ones to completely avoid the wrath of the recent Hurricane Iniki, while others just across the street sustained major damage.
Sheer luck, or divine intervention? Who knows? The Leaping Lizard has most of life's answers, but not this one.
Steve Oct. 10
Bill Nov. 1
Thomas Nov. 13
Diane Nov. 15
A young female door-to-door canvasser showed up at Dad's door the other day, looked at him kind of funny and said, "You look familiar, but I don't know from where."
Of course, Dad replied, "You probably saw me on the "Sexiest Man Alive" cover of People magazine."
"No, that's not it," the girl replied. And she thought it over until finally blurting out, "I know. You look just like Captain Kangaroo!"
Dad, of course, slammed the door in the girl's face, then went directly to the bathroom mirror. And, as he looked at his reflection, he had to admit, with his longish sideburns and hair falling down over his forehead, he did look like Captain Kangaroo.
Of course, we here at The Leaping Lizard always thought so. We just never wanted to say anything.
Speaking of cars, Dad and Eleanor have just purchased a brand new 4-door Oldsmobile '88 Royale, complete with rack-n-pinion steering, overhead cams, dual exhaust, and fuzzy dice on the rearview mirror. "You know," said Eleanor, "I've always wanted a pair of fuzzy dice."
On the sports scene, Steve is currently playing on two volleyball teams and one "wallyball" team. For those who don't know, wallyball is basically volleyball played on a racquetball court, where you can bounce the ball off the walls.
Mike's uncle Donny [redacted] is providing a great new service wherein he inserts a person's name (any name you want) into a story (nothing like the way we do here in this newsletter) and prints it out in book form. For instance, he can put the names "Max" and "Cindy" (or whatever) in place of "Jack & Jill" and then print that out. It sounds like a great Christmas or birthday gift idea. Call Mike at 209-???-???? for more info.
It's a self-serve kind of thing.