the NEWSLETTER

Doug makes pilgrimage

Doug, aka "Sluggo", made a pilgrimage to the Mormon church's genealogical library in Salt Lake City over a week ago and hasn't been seen since! Several theories have been put forward in an effort to explain his missingness, but we think . . .
[Update: He's just called the paper to say he's been converted to Mormonism and will be spending the rest of his life in Salt Lake City.]

Jim to be wed

Jim [redacted], Eleanor's grandson, is engaged to be married this month. Both Jim and his bride-to-be, Lindie, work for the fire department. Congratulations!

Dad shows slides

Dad and Eleanor broke into Steve and Denise's home recently and gave a slide show. The show focused on Steve's life from birth to present day. It was very exciting.
As an added bonus, Denise and Bill took turns playing the piano. Then they all gathered round the piano and sang "Oh If Had The Wings Of An Angel" until the cops came and broke it up.

Tiffany wins 4-H events

Tiffany has done it again. At a recent 4-H competition, she got the best score for dog handling, horse handling and pig handling! Also on the [redacted] front, Thomas has a new Nintendo game! It's non-stop action at the [redacted]'s!

Bill back to work

After a seven month vacation, Bill has returned to the temporary word processing world from whatever world he's been in. No, he hasn't finished school.

He's just run out of money. "What a drag," said Bill.

Denise throws party

fight breaks out

Steve and Denise hosted another Pictionary® party this past weekend, except they didn't play Pictionary, they played Scattergories®. Bill was there, of course. But he was caught cheating and sent home early. Steve was cheating also and Denise had to lock him in the closet. No fights actually broke out, but it sure makes for a great headline, doesn't it?

INTERVIEW

This week, we're talking with John of Lathrop, California. He's about to embark on a trip to South Dakota. The indented paragraphs are John's responses.

• Newsetter: So, you're going to ride your bike to Sturgis, South Dakota?
• John: Already went there and came back.
• Newsetter: Oh. Well, how far is it to Sturgis?
• John: Depends which way you go. For you, it would probably be about 3,000 miles. For most people, it's about 1300 miles.
• Newsetter: What kind of bike did you ride - BMX, 10-speed, mountain bike - what?
• John: Harley.
• Newsetter: Don't they make motorcycles?
• John: I think so.
• Newsetter: Did you happen to see Doug anywhere along the way?
• John: Doug who?
• Newsetter: Never mind. So, what did you do when you got to Sturgis?
• John: Turned around and came back.

MISCELLANEOUS

Steve, Denise and Bill went to the harness races the other day - and won! Every bet they placed was a winner! Bill won $40, Denise won enough to buy a coke, and Steve doubled his money - $3! "I'm coming here every day!" said an excited Steve. Don't tell Steve, but the horses have moved on to southern California.

Are you looking for a few good sleazy bars to go to in Sacramento? Well, purely for research, we've checked out a few and came up with these:

• "The Hereford House", Riverside at Broadway. Good food, but overpriced. Lopsided pool table, but about the only one in town. Anyone you meet there, you'll never want to see again.
• "Club 65", 65th Street at (?). No food, no pool, just drinks. Plenty of drunks to talk to. Sleaziest bar we could find.
• "Pine Cove", aka "Pine Cone", 28th & E Streets. A real dive. Only one beer available (Pabst), but it's cheap.

In case you haven't received your copy of Neighbors in which there's an article on Lionel Holmes, famous author, local celebrity (left), we've printed bits and pieces of it below:

• "D'Alessandro's grandparents . . . owned the land where Holmes lives today."
• ". . . principal author Holmes notes, 'Some of them eventually died very wealthy.'"
• "Holmes guided me on a tour of the Pocket/ Greenhaven area. He showed me the site of the ancestral home of his grandparents - the [redacted]s . . . - where, as a young boy, he was sent by his parents from their home in Oakland to spend the summers working on the farm and playing baseball."

The book itself answers very serious questions about life, like: WHO ARE THE PORTUGUESE? - Page 1. WHY DID THEY LEAVE? - Page 15. WHERE DID THEY GO? - Page 23. WHAT WAS PRINCE HENRY THE NAVIGATOR'S MIDDLE NAME? - Page 4. Stuff like that. We haven't gotten past page 23 yet. But when we do, we'll file another report.

Stay tuned for next week's "Best Gutters to Pass Out In"!

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

• How often does your newsletter come out - every two weeks or every three weeks? -Grandma
  • [This newsletter uses what we like to call a "floating deadline." In other

    words, we put it out whenever we feel like it. P.S. - Thanks for the stamp money.]

• Several errors have been made in the past couple issues of your newsletter, and I think it's about time somebody said something. First of all, you said Thomas didn't get a medal for the race he won. Well, he did! Secondly, you said John's birthday was July 1. But, it's July 2! You had it right last year. What happened? You've been making errors left and right! Either you get it together, or I'll cancel my subscription! -Jeannie
  • [Thank you for your lovely letter and your interest in this newsletter. Have a nice

    day.]

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

Don't believe everything you read.