Holmes Family Newsletter Vol 3 No 1
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news from La-La Land
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!
Vol. 3, No. 1, January 4, 1991
Newsletter editor murdered!
The editor of this newsletter was apparently murdered "some time over the weekend" according to police. We think it was our editor, anyway. Nobody's actually ever seen him, so we couldn't identify the body.
This edition was quickly put together by the few roving reporters still on staff. (Most of them quit last week.) It's been rumored that our editor was not really murdered at all, but had slipped out the back with the rest of the roving reporters with plans of starting a rival newsletter. We prefer to think he was murdered. Either way, the position of editor-in-chief is now open and we are accepting applications. One of us reporters would take the job, but we're not that stupid.
WHAT TO DO BEFORE YOU MOVE
A Step-By-Step Approach
- Don't do it.
- If you must move, get someone else to do it.
- Failing that, be sure to use a truck. Two-door sports cars are not recommended.
- Pack your boxes in some sort of order. If you don't, you'll never find what you need until you've gone through every single box; and by then you'll have bought a replacement.
THE BEST AND WORST OF 1990
The newsletter staff conducted an exhaustive poll (twelve whole people) (and one half person, but that's another story) and we came up with these results:
TELEVISION
- Best commercial -- Eveready Energizer (drumming rabbit)
- Most annoying commercial -- (same)
- Best drama/comedy series -- "Twin Peaks"
- Most annoying -- (same)
- Best comedy series -- "Cheers"
- Best new comedy series -- "Wings"
- Worst new comedy series -- "Babes"
- Best cartoon -- "The Simpsons"
- Best actor -- Homer Simpson (vastly under-rated)
- Most annoying talk show host -- Arsenio Hall (vastly over-rated)
- Best t.v. movie -- (no such thing)
RADIO
- Best station -- KCSS, Turlock
- Best song -- "Feelings" as sung by M.C. Hammer
- Worst song -- (just about any rap song)
- Best rock 'n roll group -- (are there any left?)
- Best female voice -- Tie: K.D. Lang (yes, she is female) and Mariah Carey
"LITERATURE"
- Best novel -- "Anything For Billy", by Larry McMurtry
- Best science fiction -- "Majestic", by Whitley Strieber
- Best newsletter -- O Progresso
- Most annoying newsletter -- "The Holmes Family Newsletter" (among other names)
SPORTS
- Best regular-season football game -- Giants vs. 49ers
- Cyclist of the year -- Greg LeMond
- Best men's tennis player -- Pete Sampras
- Best amateur tennis player -- Bill
MISCELLANEOUS
- Best movie (video) -- "Total Recall"
- Worst movie (video) -- "Dick Tracy"
Learn To Speak Hungarian In Less Than 3 Weeks!
Yes, that's right! In less than three weeks you can be fluent in Hungarian! How many times have you said to yourself, "Gee, I sure wish I could speak Hungarian!"?
Well, now your prayers have been answered! Recent studies have shown that Hungarian will be the predominant world language by the 21st Century. So, sign up! Don't put it off. Act now!
Send your check or money order in the amount of $49.95 to Doug c/o this newsletter.
BIRTHDAYS
You came from the zoo
For all that you do
This Bud's for you!
ASK LARRY
A Recurring Nightmare Column
"Dear Larry, once a week I trim my nose hairs, but they keep coming back! What can I do?" -- Hairy Nostrils
Dear Hairy Nostrils: Why trim them at all? Yank them out by the roots, one by one. That's what I do.
"Dear Larry, my boss keeps insisting that I show up for work every day. What should I do?" -- Deeply Troubled
Dear Deeply Troubled: Try moving to another city.
"Dear Larry, do they actually pay you for this column?" -- [anonymous]
Dear Anonymous: Don't be ridiculous.
LETTERS TO THE EDITOR
"What your newsletter needs is a gossip column." -- Jeannie
Hey, if I wanted your opinion, I would've asked for it! If you know so much, you try being editor!
[Actually, this was a comment, not a letter. But "Comments to the Editor" sounds pretty stupid. Coincidentally, it was right after this that our editor turned up dead, or missing, or both. Ms. Brouns is currently being held for questioning.]
PREDICTIONS FOR 1991
[So what if none of last year's predictions came true!]General
- It will be the Raiders and the 49ers in the Super Bowl, with the Raiders winning it all!
Family Predictions
- Greg will uncover illegal toxic dumping by Chevron. They will promise him a free Chevron card if he keeps quiet, but Greg will decline.
- Lucy will be named DMV Investigator of the Year (Merced Division) and announce her candidacy for the 1992 presidency.
- Steve will publish his novel, sell it to Hollywood, and retire to his peanut farm in Oroville.
- Don and Diane will institute a "Home For Wayward Cats" and sell calendars.
- Jeannie will be named International President of the 4-H Club and will add squirrel racing to their list of activities.
- Doug will open a personalized mug franchise in Hungary, where it will sweep the country.
- Bill will have reconstructive surgery done on his face and discover a cure for post-nasal drip.