by Bill- 1998-08-09
Vol. 3, No. 1, January 4, 1991
The editor of this newsletter was apparently murdered "some time over the weekend" according to police. We think it was our editor, anyway. Nobody's actually ever seen him, so we couldn't identify the body.
This edition was quickly put together by the few roving reporters still on staff. (Most of them quit last week.) It's been rumored that our editor was not really murdered at all, but had slipped out the back with the rest of the roving reporters with plans of starting a rival newsletter. We prefer to think he was murdered. Either way, the position of editor-in-chief is now open and we are accepting applications. One of us reporters would take the job, but we're not that stupid.
until you've gone through every single box; and by then you'll probably have bought a replacement.
The newsletter staff conducted an exhaustive poll (twelve whole people) (and one half person, but that's another story) and we came up with these results:
Yes, that's right! In less than three weeks you can be fluent in Hungarian! How many times have you said to yourself, "Gee, I sure wish I could speak Hungarian!"?
Well, now your prayers have been answered! Recent studies have shown that Hungarian will be the predominant world language by the 21st Century. So, sign up! Don't put it off. Act now!
Send your check or money order in the amount of $49.95 to Doug c/o this newsletter.
Jeannie Dec. 31
Michael Jan. 18<
Happy birthday to you
You came from the zoo
For all that you do
This Bud's for you
"Dear Larry, once a week I trim my nose hairs, but they keep coming back! What can I do?" — Hairy Nostrils
Dear Hairy Nostrils: Why trim them at all? Yank them out by the roots, one by one. That's what I do.
"Dear Larry, my boss keeps insisting that I show up for work every day. What should I do?" — Deeply Troubled
Dear Deeply Troubled: Try moving to another city.
"Dear Larry, do they actually pay you for this column?" — [anonymous]
Dear Anonymous: Don't be ridiculous.
"What your newsletter needs is a gossip column." — Jeannie
Hey, if I wanted your opinion, I would've asked for it! If you know so much, you try being editor!
[Actually, this was a comment, not a letter. But "Comments to the Editor" sounds pretty stupid. Coincidentally, it was right after this that our editor turned up dead, or missing, or both. Ms. Brouns is currently being held for questioning.]
card if he keeps quiet, but Greg will decline.
candidacy for the 1992 presidency.
racing to their list of activities.