by Bill- 1998-08-09
"The intelligent person's newsletter of choice."
Is the world coming to an end? Probably. And did you notice that all these things happened at a time when this newsletter was conspicuously missing from your mailbox? Think about it. Okay, that's long enough. You came to the obvious conclusion, didn't you? That's right, the minute this newsletter stops, the world goes crazy!
Don and Diane are busily preparing for their "late June" move to Nashville. To lighten their load, they're selling everything but the motorcycles and the cats. "Everything must go!" says Don.
"Psst," Don added conspiratorially. "Don't tell Diane, but the cats are for sale, too."
On May 30, 1992, Michael will graduate from Stanislaus State University with a degree in Liberal Studies; joining his uncles Greg and Steve, and his mom, Lucy, as only the fourth descendant of "Pop-Pop" Holmes to actually graduate from college.
Thomas is playing right field (usually) on his new, undefeated t-ball team, the "T-Bonedaddies." Go team!
No, not this newsletter (though, it would probably be an improvement). She will be the new Editor-in-Chief of her 4-H Club's newsletter, "The Cloverleaf Update." We would like to take this opportunity to welcome Tiffany to that most sacred of clubs, the Editor's Club, or whatever it's called. [I wouldn't know its name. I'm still waiting for the membership application.]
"It was exhilarating!" Don enthused, upon returning from a test run around the block on John's Harley. "It's more than just a motorcycle, it's a way of life!"
From that, we can assume that Don will soon be getting a Harley of his own.
We here at The Leaky Faucet, er, that is, The Squeaky Sprocket, being experts on pretty much everything, are often asked questions regarding the pressing issues of the world and its inhabitants. Of course, our policy here is to evade such questions. But there's one question more than any other that people ask us. They often wonder, "Is it true what you said about [so and so]?"
Now that hurts. What do you mean, "Is it true?" Of course it's true! Have we ever lied to you? On purpose, I mean. Maybe it's time we reminded our readers that this newsletter has received virtually every accolade known to man, including some that haven't even been invented yet!! What more do you want?
Yes, everything you read in this newsletter is true — verified by the best research staff we can afford.
We hope this puts to rest your concerns and stupid questions. Thank you.
BASEBALL: Of course, the San Francisco Giants will win the NL West! The NL East pennant will go to, believe it or not, the St. Louis Cardinals. As for the American League (even though it's an inferior league): The AL West winner will be the Texas Rangers. And last, and definitely least, the AL East will go to the Baltimore Orioles.
HORSE RACING: Nobody's going to win the Triple Crown this year, since Arazi lost the Derby. Of course, no one was going to win it, anyway, since Arazi was not going to run in the other two Triple Crown races.
HOCKEY: Well, we were going to predict that the L.A. Kings would win the Stanley Cup. But, since they lost in the first round of the playoffs, we'll have to go with the New York Rangers.
BASKETBALL: We were also going to predict that the Golden State Warriors were going to win the NBA Championship. But, again, since they lost in the playoffs, we'll have to go with the Portland Trailblazers beating the Chicago Bulls in the Finals.
WLAF FOOTBALL: Who cares? But, what the hell, we'll predict that the Sacramento Surge will win it all. Who named this team, anyway?
WARNING!!: Don't waste your money on San Jose's Winchester Mystery House. First of all, it costs $12.50 to get in. Secondly, you have to go on a guided tour, they don't let you discover it for yourself. And third, there's no "mystery" at all. It's just a big old house with a thousand rooms. Big deal!
THIS HAS BEEN A PUBLIC SERVICE MESSAGE
Mother's Day May 10
Doug Day May 12
Memorial Day May 25
Because he's not a politician! Plus, with this country's current financial mess, we could use someone who knows how to handle money (he's a self-made billionaire). But, best of all, he really doesn't want to be President! (Or so he says.)