by Bill- 1998-08-09
Chance, a dog, has given birth to seven little dogs. Three boys and four girls! Hasn't she ever heard of birth control?
The puppies' names (though Jeannie will never admit it) are: Delta Dawg, Delta King, Delta Queen, Desert Shield, Desert Storm, Damn the Torpedoes and Dread Zeppelin.
None of them has a tail.
That's one word. She's undoubtedly also a great grandmother.
Her grandson, Jim Thomas, and Jim's wife Lindie had a boy — Bradley Stephen Thomas on Jan. 29. Most kids at one time or another say they want to be a fireman when they grow up. Well, Bradley probably will be one, since both his parents are.
"Portuguese Pioneers of the Sacramento Area" by Lionel Holmes has gone into its third printing. (Just like the headline says.) This latest batch is due Feb. 21. "I'm sure by the end of the year they'll all be sold," says the confident author. "That makes a total of 1200 sold!"
Its sequel, "Left-Handed Portuguese Fisherman" is currently in production and expected to be released in time for Christmas.
On Feb. 1, Doug opened his new store, "Doug's Mugs", in Sacramento's Arden Fair Mall. And according to Doug everything is going "great."
He's currently working on a way to put the Holmes family history on a set of mugs. We'll let you know how it turns out.
[We found him last week in a dumpster eating cat food. We convinced him to come back to work for us (put a gun to his head). But he won't be editor anymore. He is now our Middle East correspondent. From the Saudi-Iraqi border he filed this report via cellular phone.]
"Scud missiles! Scud missiles!" That's all I ever hear! But have I ever seen a scud missile?! No! Where are they? I want to see one!
Wait. What's that over there? Is that a mobile scud launcher, with a bunch of Iraqis running around? Sure looks like it. Maybe if I wave at them they'll let me interview them. Everybody wants to be interviewed by a major newspaper.
They're waving back. They're waving me over to them. Wow! This could be my lucky day!
I'm about a hundred yards away now. The missile launcher seems to be lowering. It used to be pointed almost straight up, but now it's almost level with the ground and pointing in my direction.
The Iraqis are still waving at me and smiling. Gee, they're friendly.
What's that guy doing behind the launcher? He seems to be operating some sort of control panel. What's that big red button he has his hand over? Now he's pushing the button down . . .
[And that's when we lost contact.]
Dental surgeons have done what no one else has been able to do all these years. They have devised a way to shut Steve's mouth! Yes, it's true. How did they do it? They used rubber bands, of course. It's so simple, and yet, so brilliant! Next time you see Steve ask him to show you his teeth. He's only charging 50 cents.
[There weren't any letters to the editor this week. None that were printable, anyway.]
Bradley Thomas Jan. 29
Valentine's Day Feb. 14
Don Feb. 16
President's Day Feb. 18
Eleanor Feb. 22
[We're sorry, but Larry has been shot.]
"I'm going back to AT&T."
"Do you need a cat?"
Bill Holmes, a legend in his own mind, returned to the tennis courts last week and came away victorious, 6-1, 6-2. His opponent, P.R. Prasad, an Indian national and former good friend, could not be reached for comment.
Unfortunately, Bill could be reached for comment. "Well," Holmes sighed dramatically, "I've already proven myself to be the best in northern California, and I thought it was about time I showed southern California what I could do." [Yeah, right.]
Warning!: Bill, along with his ego, is planning a "victory tour" into northern California during the President's Day three day weekend. He'll be bringing his tennis racquet and autographed 8x10 glossies.