Holmes Family Newsletter
Holmes Family Newsletter vol 1 no 7
by Bill- 1989-10-05
The Holmes Family Newsletter
Vol. 1, No. 7, October 5, 1989
[Let's face it, these things are going to just keep coming.]
Steve received his first-ever speeding ticket recently. Of course,
this is the first car he's ever had that could exceed the speed limit.
Jeannie, on the other hand, has never had a ticket in her life! We
asked Jeannie how she does it. "Well, if I'm pulled over," she explained,"I just start crying. That usually works."
Anyone else out there like to share their driving record with us? Just
let us know. We could, like, make it a regular thing!
Tiffany gets new kitten
Tiffany received a kitten for her birthday from Don and
Diane. This new addition to the family tree hails from Hayward Animal Shelter,
where he was chosen by Ms. Brouns out of thousands. "Buster" (that's his
name) is about two months old, short-haired, and white with splotches of black in very
curious places. All other known members of the family are completely white, so this
may pose a problem later in life.
Lucy loses it
Since Mike's flight to Germany, Lucy, in her grief, has turned to
weeding. "You've heard of bulemia, anorexia, alcoholism, drug abuse," Lucy
explained. "Well, I'm a victim of wedinus frenzius, 'weeding frenzy' to you and
As yet, there is no cure for this underestimated and very misunderstood
disorder. But there is still hope. The Newsletter, always up on the latest fashionable
mental disorder, has set up a "Weeding Frenzy Syndrome Relief Fund."
Bill had himself measured the other day. "It was
thrilling," Bill said. "It's something I've always wanted to do!"
Bill will be one of the ushers at Steve and Denise's wedding. We can
only assume that that is what he was being measured for.
Mike fogged in
Upon his arrival in Germany, Mike's plane was forced to land in
Dusseldorf instead of Hamburg due to fog. All passengers were forced to stay in the plane
for seven hours until the fog in Hamburg cleared.
Mike's new address is:
Mike's flat, by the way, is on the seventh floor. And there are no
Dad publishes O Progresso
The Portuguese Historical and Cultural Society's newsletter, O Progresso, of which Dad is the editor, has recently put out its latest issue. For the
actual computerization and printing of the newsletter, Dad called in Bill for the task."Bill's reputation is unparalleled," Dad stated. "It was only natural that,
eventually, we would need his newsletter expertise."
Diane gets a job
After three years of full-time school, Diane has re-entered the
workaday world and actually brought home a paycheck last week. What is she doing? She is
working as a legal secretary and word processor. Why is she doing this instead of
working in chiropractic, which she supposedly spent the last three years studying? When
asked this question, Dr. Holmes replied testily, "Because chiropractic doesn't
pay enough." We did not inquire as to why she spent three years in school studying
something that pays less than her previous line of work.
John builds motorcycle
John is building a "Super-V" motorcycle from scratch! We
asked John about it and he said, "Well, it started out just with some nuts and bolts,
a can of oil, and a rubber hose. And now it's basically just a matter of putting it all
Doug washed out to sea
Oh, he's okay now. But, remember Hurricane Hugo? Well, Doug was
trying to get some pictures of it when a huge wave hit him and dragged him out to sea!
Luckily, Doug's camera case floats.
"Praise the Lord," said Doug, obviously delirious.
There's a new drug out there. Can't remember the name, exactly. But,
it was originally designed to cure Parkinson's disease, which it appears to do. No
kidding. But one of its "side effects" is that it also seems to slow the aging
process. No kidding. It has been reported to lengthen the life of laboratory rats by 40%.
It has been available in Europe for about eight years now, and will
soon be available here in the States. So, if you have any laboratory rats, this could be
what you've been looking for! Consult your physician for details. No kidding.
Steve October 10
LETTERS TO THE EDITOR
"It distresses me to see you ... as editor of the Holmes Family Newsletter. — Diane, Hayward
PHONE CALLS TO THE EDITOR
- "I'd like to set the record straight. A couple of newsletters back, you mentioned that I took my kids to Disneyland. That part's true. But, what you didn't mention was that John was there, too. I don't mind you misquoting us in that rag you call a newsletter. But at least get your facts straight." — Jeannie, Lathrop
What? You expect us to verify our information, too? It's hard enough making it up.
[You may or may not have noticed, but there were two articles in this issue written by
a mystery writer! Can you guess who this mystery person is? No, it's not just another one
of Bill's split personalities. If you can guess who this mystery person is, guess what,
yes, you win a free issue of the next Newsletter!
Hopefully, these articles plus Jeannie's poem of a few newsletters back will encourage
more input by our readers