the NEWS

Mike gets job

Mike has taken a job as a process server for a Modesto private investigation firm. He had job offers coming in from everywhere, of course, but Mike chose to be a process server. Sounds like detective work is in the blood. "I just wish they'd let me carry a gun," said Mike.

Bill rides bus

Bill and his friend Gabriel, aka Ganga, went to Tahoe recently. And playing nothing but blackjack at the $2 tables, it took Bill only two hours to accumulate a whopping $45 profit! He was ready to go home a rich man. But Ganga didn't want to leave yet, and since Ganga was driving Bill stuck around. Eight hours later, after non-stop gambling without the aid of drugs, Bill found himself down $100. "I don't know what happened!", Bill sobbed. "I had all this money one minute. And the next minute, it's gone. They shouldn't allow ATMs in casinos."
Then Ganga left town and Bill was forced to take a Greyhound bus (driven by a replacement driver!) back to Sacramento! Actually, Ganga hadn't left town at all. He had gotten into a fight, somebody called the cops, and he had to move his truck. But by the time Bill found that out, he was back home in Sacramento and it didn't really matter.

Doug starts show

Doug has set up his Mother's Day show at Bay Fair Mall in San Leandro. He will be singing and dancing and selling plaques. He'll probably be there until Mother's Day. Don't miss it!

Steve sweeps floor

The other day during a Sierra Club volleyball game, a girl lost a diamond earring on the court. And Steve swept into action, literally. While Bill leaned against the wall, looking extremely concerned, Steve swept the entire volleyball court until he found that earring. "It was nothing," said Steve. "She would have done the same for me."
What a guy!

Dad drives car

Last week Dad passed another milestone, not to be confused with a gallstone, in his illustrious driving career. Are you ready for this? - the odometer on his car passed 100,000 miles!! "I always knew he could do it," said Eleanor.

BIRTHDAYS AND OTHER NATIONAL HOLIDAYS

DENISE
May Day
Cinco de Mayo
Kentucky Derby
DOUG
Mother's Day
Newsletter Anniversary

CELEBRITY NEWS

Our roving reporters spotted Cal Worthington at, of all places, Worthington Chevrolet in Sacramento! Sorry fans, we didn't get his autograph.
Met Capt. (Exon) Hazelwood's nephew in Woodland! We were playing frisbee golf and he was passed out under a tree when we first saw him. It wasn't until later that he introduced himself.

READER OF THE MONTH

This month's recipient of the coveted Reader of the Month Award is JEANNIE BROUNS of Lathrop. She has forever endeared herself to our staff (and insured plenty of ink in future newsletters) by actually sending us money ($25,000) [we might have accidentally added three zeroes] to keep the newsletter going! We would like to encourage others to do the same. In fact, if we don't receive another $25,000 by next Tuesday, we're not sending out anymore newsletters! Direct deposit is available.